Dreams

I use the word dream alot.

I dream of being a mum, having a family etc etc.  But I don’t really mean dream, I mean that is my ambition….my goal…..my desire.

This morning however, I was freaked out about a dream I had last night.  I never remember my dreams, so the fact I remember even this small fraction of a dream spooked me.  And I didn’t dream of having a baby in my arms, or seeing a little child running around……but of getting a positive pregnancy test.

As dreams go, they are never completely normal, so I just remember seeing the cross appear on the test…..as well as another little window, but instead of saying pregnant, it said daughter.  Hubby was with me and there was a pure moment of disbelief and joy.

I wonder if that dream will ever come true (bar the sex of the baby window!).

 

Just the one

  
Today’s scan confirmed one egg was released and my lining is looking much thicker than it’s ever been.

I also had another blood test to see whether the progesterone tablets have been working.

Now we wait another week. 

I’m not holding my breath this will work…..but I hope it does….eventually. After celebrating my birthday last week…..I’m becoming more and more conscious of my age. I don’t want to be so old that I’m a really high risk.  I already fall into that category with my PCOS, I don’t want to add more complications than necessary. And I know I’ve got to take what I can get, but my wish list has more than one child on it. If we ever manage to conceive…..if it takes too long….I may not be able to have more than one.

Well let’s hope the ball starts rolling and number one can happen soon.

Clomid Day 1

My last post was after the thrilling experience of the HCG. The plan was then on my next cycle…to start my first round of Clomid.  So, typically, I had to wait 7 weeks until my next period started!  Wait wait wait!

I’be done lots of research on Clomid…..checking out all the (horror) stories on the internet from others that have been on it before.  No doubt, any of you reading this post are in the same position!

As a result of reading these stories, I think it is safe to say I am a little scared I am going to turn into a quivering wreck! But I have tried to take some tips from the stories though, to try and minimise any ‘issues’.

My first action was to sit my husband down and warn him:   

Me: “I’m starting to take these pills……from what I’ve read, it may make me a little crazy…”

Him: “Ok babe, are you sure you should go out now then….can you drive safely?”

Me: “No babe, not that kind of crazy…..more emotional & that malarkey”

Him: “Shit….should I move out for a week??”

Haha. Bless him…..I went on to wish him luck!!! I’ve also made the decision to take the pills early evening, hoping that the brunt of the ‘reaction’ should happen while in my sleep, and then it’s people at work that may suffer, rather than my husband!!

  
So……day 1 is nearly finished.  24 hours ago I took my first 2 pills.  And touch wood…..so far so good!  I can’t say I have suffered too much so far.  My only 2 things have been…….1) really weird dreams last night….I don’t normally remember my dreams, but last night the one thing I remember is feeling really really drunk after only drinking 1 beer……I have now decided not to risk alcohol this week while taking the pills! And 2) odd spells of feeling a little lightheaded….nothing to interrupt my day….and in all honesty I am not sure if I really was experiencing the symptom or whether I am over analysing everything to ascertain if I am reacting to the tablets!!!

I will be calling the fertility clinic tomorrow as I now need to have regular scans to monitor progress.

4 days left on these pills to go!

Our first appointment

So, we had our first appointment today. To prove we are now finally on the journey, I am the proud owner of a ‘yellow folder’. Apparently I have to take this with me to each and every appointment.

The first shocker for me was that the Gynaecology and Anti-Natal clinic share the same waiting room……are they trying to rub it in? Having to queue up to register our arrival….one end of the desk those who are pregnant, the other end those of us who can’t fall pregnant. Nice.

To the appointment:
First I had to be measured (height) and weighed. From this they calculated my BMI. It is apparently 24. I googled it – luckily that is in the ‘normal’ range.

We then went in to meet the doctor. This was one of the appointments we both had to attend. Some of the future tests will only need to be on me (as I am the one that needs treatment). They started by going through basic questions with my husband…..do you have any medical conditions, have you had any operations, do you drink, do you smoke etc. The same was then asked of me, with more detail required around my periods, regularity of cycle etc.

Although the doctors that referred me did several tests to confirm that I don’t ovulate, this doctor needs to do them again.

As the appointment was on the last day of my period, the doctor did an internal scan. Luckily the info that came with the appointment letter prepared me for that, so I was ‘ready’ down below! (Girls you know what I mean!) I now have to go back again next week to have a further scan to monitor the growth of my eggs. I’ve also been referred to have another x-Ray test to ‘test my tubes’. Apparently this one is a little painful/uncomfortable and the doctor warned me to take some pain killers before going! Eek!

On top of these, I’ve been told I have to have more blood tests (which I have to pay £35 for!) – as soon as I come on my next period (God knows when that will be!). The doctor has also given me a prescription to start Clomiphene. Apparently this should help me start ovulating on my own (am yet to google it!). I’ve heard of Clomid….but this appears to be slightly different, so I’ll research it. I am not to start this medication until my next cycle.

The doctor said that depending on the results of my tests, she may not get me to go onto the medication and we may go straight to the IVF option. My age (34) and the fact we have been trying for 7 years are apparently factors in that decision and so they want to act as quickly as they can. I’ve not got an issue with that!!

It seems that appointments and tests will be happening a lot over the next month or so….so I’ll have the opportunity to post more regularly!!

Back to the start

It’s been a while since I last updated my blog!

So, as per the title, we are back to the start. I am so frustrated. Last week I was back to the doctors. BUT this time I saw a different doctor. What a breath of fresh air!

There are more tests….yet again….for me to do, but he couldn’t understand why I wasn’t tested before. And my husband was given completely wrong information about his test results. A classic example of everything going wrong where it can!

So….I’ve got my tests booked in and my husband has an appointment on Wednesday.

Is this the start finally of progression down the right road???

Fingers crossed!

A rant!

This post is to vent. Sorry folks!!!

First….. (Sorry there is more than one issue today!)
I got a random text message from my husband’s best man today. Just saying hello and asking how I was. That’s fine. A stinted conversation followed because he doesn’t normally contact me. I then asked the question about how his pregnant girlfriend was as she is due to go on maternity leave at the end of the week. All seems normal so far.

Just to add some background to this, I’ve mentioned his girlfriend before on my blog. She was trying for several years to get pregnant and became the very person I am trying to avoid being. She was obsessive with falling pregnant, forcing the conversation onto the topic at every possible moment. She took pregnancy tests regularly just in case and the whole thing overtook her personality. She also had to highlight to the world and his wife how I am also struggling to fall pregnant.

Anyway, back to the story!! The conversation went on saying how she was slowing down and getting ready for her leave. THEN he says “so don’t you want to be a mum then?”. Errrrr excuse me? What kind of stupid question is that??? Followed by “surely seeing everyone else having kids must make you want one of you own?”

Seriously now. They were in the exact same position as my husband and I are in. Tests, doctors, blah blah blah. How STUPID can you be to ask such an insensitive question??? COME ON!!
Out of anyone else I could understand it, but from the one of the few people that know we are trying and have been for years, as well as going through the same!! Well it was like a kick in the stomach. It seems his memory is really short and he’s forgotten everything from more than 6 months ago.

Am I being overly sensitive??? Is it me????

Second……
A friend at work announced she was pregnant on Friday. It’s all good and I am happy for her. Completely planned and what she wanted as she wanted a brother or sister for her son.

It’s an unusual situation in that she isn’t with her son’s dad any more, but she didn’t want kids by different dads, so this baby’s dad is also her ex.

So she basically planned everything to the day, and they had sex. She calculated her dates and they had sex 3 times around her fertile time. Bam, she was pregnant the first month (think her ex was a little disappointed not to string that out a few more months!).

I am truly happy for her but insanely jealous. My first thoughts….”that’s so unfair!” Damn it!!

Third……
Parents should not own a computer!!!

Rant over!! Thanks for your patience 🙂 I feel a bit better now x

That time again!

Yes people! It is that time of year again!  Christmas is just around the corner!

 

So yes, it meant the decorations came out this weekend.  I love having all the decorations up!  It normally involves all the family and this year was no different….3 generations of us all unpacking, debating and carefully placing our collection built up over the last 40 odd years!

Over the last few years, each year I wonder whether this will be our last on our own as a couple.  By this time next year will we be parents?? So again, I am now starting to ponder that very question again.  And rather than wishing the answer, I now just think – Who knows?!

With the decorations up, my spirits have been lifted somewhat.  With the baby boom with my friends, as well as the news of the Royal baby, I’ve felt a little like I’ve been kicked while I’ve been down.  But the Christmas cheer is taking hold.  I have a good family around me and we will still have plenty of laughter (and eating!!).

Christmas doesn’t stop everything though – and so tomorrow is another trip to the doctors to book in for yet more tests.  The butterflies in the belly have started already – and its not even to have the actual test.  But the same fears go round my head.  What if they find something wrong, what if they don’t!  I don’t want either – and I want both!  If they find something wrong – then they can get on and fix it and at least there has been a reason for nothing happening.  If they don’t – that’s good, but does this just mean its not meant to be???

I hope you are all getting into the Christmas spirit or just enjoying these festive times with your loved ones.  I appreciate each and every day, I hope you do to.

I need a life

I looked back at some of my previous posts. I’ve realised that I am avoiding writing how I feel by sharing some touching or funny stories. Don’t get me wrong, I love those stories and really wanted to share them, but in theory this is supposed to me helping myself through this time, and I’m not!!

So for today, I thought I’d make myself spill the beans!

I need a life! That’s how I’m feeling right now! Because of work, both mine and my husbands, we don’t see each other as much any more. I work days, and there are several occasions when he works evenings. This means there are several evenings (like tonight) where I am sitting here doing nothing productive.

I am one of those people that like to be busy. And right now I am far from it. So it’s times like this when I feel the desire for a baby more and more. I know people with kids say not to knock this time to yourself, that once kids come along I’ll never have a moment to myself etc. I guess that’s just human nature, you want what you can’t have. It’s like girls with straight hair wanting curly hair and those with curly hair wanting straight hair (a weird comparison I know but it’s what jumped into m head!).

I’m not moaning about having time to myself and I’m not moaning about not seeing my husband. I appreciate everything I have in my life, but I just want to continue us growing. To me that means moving on to the next stage. I’m bang splat in the middle of another baby boom with friends as well which doesn’t help. Some are now pregnant with their second or third child, and that’s what hurts even more.

I still hope and pray that it will happen for us. I’m not silly enough to think that falling pregnant will solve everything and that life will be all rosy. Kids are bloody hard work and I relish that thought. Someone might need to remind me of that at times in the future when struggling with the terrible twos, or dealing with teenage PMT! But right now, I’m ready to embrace it all.

Keep your fingers crossed for me! I need all the help I can get!!

Race for Life!

Today I completed the Race for life.  A terrific, albeit, emotional day.  This was my third year doing it.  Its even more convenient that it is held in the park 2 minutes from my house!

So almost 4000 of us girlies gathered together to raise money for Cancer Research….

And we’re off…..!

When you see sights like these, it touches you.  Cancer has probably touched each and every one of our lives.   One of my friends who did it for the first time this year found it overwhelming – a tear or two was shed!

A slight traffic jam in the woods along the way!

We all felt proud of ourselves at the end.  Its a great feeling.

Its days like this that get me thinking though.  It makes me realise we are all only human.  We get sick, it happens.  Some worse than others.

Your fears change over time.  When I was maybe 10 or 11, I was petrified I was going to be kidnapped.  Silly I know.  But it meant every night for at least a year, I would go to bed almost fully dressed because, then, if I did get taken I wouldn’t be cold! (a weird thought process I know!).

Through my twenties, my biggest fear was drowning.  Its still a fear don’t get me wrong, but that rated number one then.

Now, my biggest fear is not leaving my mark on the world.  And to me, that means not having children.  That is the only thing I feel I can leave behind that is truly a piece of me.  A building could be built – but that can be knocked down.  A tree could be planted – but that can be dug up.  A child’s life (hopefully) will go on after I’m gone and continue through the bloodline in years to come.

My brother in law died 11 and a half years ago to Leukemia.  He was 32.  He had no children.  I will be 32 next birthday.  So this plays heavily on my mind.

I am grateful for all that I have in my life – and my experiences in losing those close to me through illnesses like this have taught me to make every day count.  Don’t sweat the little things.  But, I hope in the future my worst fear doesn’t come true.

But enough wallowing! I’m off to enjoy whats left of this gorgeous sunny day!

 

Think Before You Speak…..

I’ve learnt a lot about thinking before I speak now and never to make assumptions from how things look – especially being told for the umpteenth time ‘Its about time you two had kids….you don’t want to leave it too late….’

I know people don’t mean any harm by saying it – and I completely agree!!! Which is what makes it all the more frustrating!

So now, I watch what I say, appreciating that things may never be as easy as they seem.  Sometimes I want to scream back and explain how hard the last 5 years have been.  Feeling a failure is an understatement.

At times I do make assumptions – in that I assume its been easy for everyone else, and its just us that have no luck.  I know its not true, but when I see someone – anyone – walking down the street with a baby in a buggy – the little green eyed monster appears and thinks its not fair.

BUT – I’m learning to reign myself in.  I force myself to look at the big picture again.  That person may have been trying for 10 years to have that baby.  That baby may have been the result of IVF, that baby may be adopted, it may be a niece or nephew.  This helps me get over the ‘woe is me’ moment.

I came across this picture the other day and thought it hilarious – it fully supports the principle…..think before you speak!!