Archives for the month of: November, 2016

I have friends going through the IVF journey, correction I HAD friends going down this same journey.

They’ve been married over 10 years. He had kids from a previous relationship and a few years ago became a grandad for the first time. I considered them both good friends. They go on holiday to Cyprus twice a year and if we were there the same time, we’d always meet up.  We see him a lot more than we see her.

Up until a few years ago, she wasn’t sure whether she even wanted kids, but just over a year ago, she apparently made up her mind – she did want them. He didn’t. 

Looking from the outside in, I feel like she has become the worst possible case scenario through this process and the exact thing I have tried to avoid becoming. 

Back to the start, he was always clear that he didn’t want any more kids. She changed her mind. I feel sorry for him because he’s always been up front about his feelings. Because he already had kids, it would also guarantee they would not qualify for funding – so would have to pay for any and all treatment.

She convinced him to go through the first couple of rounds of IVF. Each and every time they did it – he resented her more and more. He can feel his marriage slipping away and she doesn’t seem to care any more. She is focused on her goal of having a baby and that is it.  She finally achieved a few embryos of decent quality for a transfer. Her two week wait ended while they were on holiday and when she got the negative result it was horrific apparently. Crying (screaming apparently) mourning the loss of her baby. She sees it as a miscarriage. However hard he tries, he cannot get her to see there was no pregnancy to miscarry.

I’ve explained to him recently about my outlook on the process. How I feel and how I try to make sure I keep a steady head and not just go on a psycho emotional roller coaster. 

This was not the best idea. Apparently in a recent row he told her she should look at it like I do. From the comments she apparently then made, she wants my treatment to fail.  Hence why I said I HAD a friend.  She, of all people, should know what it’s like to go through this process, but I can tell this is a competition for her….she does not want me to succeed. 

It upsets me. I feel for all of us going through this and relish the success stories I hear. I might be jealous as hell, but I never wish it doesn’t happen for anyone! I just wish it was me too! 

If it happens for us then it happens. But I hate knowing someone out there is sending bad vibes. And I feel sorry for him, he has all but lost his best friend. She’s gone – taken over by this baby seeking monster – determined to achieve it at all costs. I hope she realises how far she is pushing him before it’s too late, but from what I can tell, I’m not sure she will.

I know our friendship will never recover from this – I feel like it has been the ultimate betrayal (drama queen that I am). It’s such a shame. 

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Detached, unfeeling, distant and a myriad of other descriptions. A few incidents have happened recently that make me wonder whether this is me!  After 9 years of trying, it might be that I am just emotionally exhausted.

As with many of us on this painful journey, I’ve researched. And researched and researched some more. Reading blogs I find is the most helpful as it is a true personal perspective. With this is mind, I like to think I’ve been travelling this road with my eyes wide open – prepared for the emotional as well as physical pitfalls that WILL happen along the way.

I think I’ve said it before in previous posts, I also don’t want to lose ‘me’. I had a friend who taught me that lesson. She went through the start of fertility treatment but managed to fall pregnant naturally in the end. However, before she did that, the treatment and investigation were all she talked about when we were together. If we wasn’t talking about hers, she’d push about mine. And if not that, she would moan constantly about how all her friends who now had kids excluded her and didn’t invite her to things where the kids were involved. Then after falling pregnant she did exactly the same thing. I wasn’t even invited to her baby shower! Her son is now 3 (ish) and we found out via Facebook that it was his Baptism. I will NOT become THAT person.

Sorry…..I digress.

So, on Friday, I had a scan. I’ve already mentioned that. At the hospital, they have the main room with all the machinery with 2 adjoining rooms either side. So while one person is in there, the next person is getting ready.  It’s an efficient process.  It also means there is a just one door in between us – so you can hear the conversation held. The woman in front of me was obviously a week behind me in the process (she probably had her eggs collected today). The doctor said…..there are about 7 follicles that look good…a few more might develop before Monday ( I have to admit then, that with all this being a numbers game, I felt a little better about my 40ish follicles!). Anyway, this girl immediately burst into tears complaining that 7 was shit (possibly a downside to too much research?!). She later apolgised for crying and said she was crying at anything with all these hormones and medication.  I’ve not been like that….most of the time I’ve just got on with it like its a day in the office……..is that normal?  I’ve braced myself (from my research) to basically ‘fail’ at every step of the process because so much can go wrong at any one time. This means It has lessened the blow at disappointing moments and almost left me elated over minor victories!

And then there is the way I’ve approached all this within my relationship with my husband. It’s been a long time since I’ve done the tears and tantrums….told him to leave and find someone who can give him a family etc. Yes, at one point I did give him a get out of jail free card! But when he stuck around, I vowed I would minimise the impact of all this as much as possible.  I tell him everything he needs to know, but that’s it. It is rarely a topic of general conversation between us. He never saw me inject myself and I’ve never had him come for a scan. I don’t see the point. He’s not one of those emotional people anyway that wants to get involved in that respect and I don’t see the need to make him change. I guess it’s the realisation that regardless of the success, baby or not, my marriage will still be there and I want it to remain happy, about us and not about this process. 

Oh to have been in the position where a pregnancy was the result of a drunken night, unplanned and not thought about! 

Friday was my first day out of the house for the week!

I went for a scan to see whether the transfer should go ahead on the Saturday or not.  The scan confirmed I still had a lot of fluid and my OHSS symptoms were under control. Therefore, as long as the embryos allowed, the doctor wanted me to freeze them all for later transfer.  I had to wait for a call on Saturday morning from the clinic to confirm.

Saturday morning the clinic called. We had 5 blastocysts develop – all of which are top quality. Yay ūüėÄ. So no transfer, they can all be frozen. Whilst I am disappointed we can’t get this next step going – I am thrilled we have had blastocysts develop!  The clinic confirmed they would also call the next day as a few more may develop overnight.

They did call this morning, but sadly no more blastocysts developed.  Yesterday I was thrilled at 5, and now today I feel disappointed. I know all the rubbish about it only takes one….but at this stage of the game it really feels like a numbers game….and I am competing against myself. 

So, there it is. We have 5 chances at a miracle. As long as they survive the thawing process. 

I’m not sure what happens next. I am assuming the doctors will call me tomorrow to find out our numbers and will explain more then. I am also expecting to start my period tomorrow – assuming that all this medication will mean my body works to plan for a change. I’m a little worried as I am imagining scenes from ‘Carrie’ – and the end, blood everywhere part, not the beginning!  I’m planning to go to work armed with pain killers just in case!!

On Monday, when I left the hospital I felt fine.  No pain, no wooziness, just a little bloated – which I was before.  I also remember saying….why did the doctor sign me off for 10 days – just one would do!

WRONG!

The hospital did tell me before my procedure (after asking a thousand times whether I was allergic to anything) that they would leave a slow release pain killer inside. That stuff must have been good!

Tuesday I was ok. Still a bit bloated and some discomfort – mainly when I pee’d.  The only way I can describe that pain or discomfort is wind. Trapped wind. You know the kind of feeling I mean – right?

Wednesday came – well that took it to another level. Again, the pain has never been really severe, but if you’ve ever had trapped wind, you know it can hurt, and if it doesn’t go away……well I was exasperated. Sounds extreme, but it is the first word that springs to mind.  A hot bath helped, both with the discomfort and the release of some wind.  There is no polite way to put it…..I have been farting and burping like a trooper. Has anyone else had this experience? Is it just me? As I know I’ve not read it anywhere!

The other thing I’ve experienced and forgot to mention before is sensitive nipples and sore boobs. They feel really heavy and right now my bra is a god send.

Today I’ve felt a little more comfortable and hope it will ease off even more tomorrow.

I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow for a scan and blood test.  The results will answer the question about whether I can go for the embryo transfer on Saturday or whether they will need to be frozen and the transfer happen in the new year.

As I don’t know whether this bloated feeling is normal, I’m going to assume it isn’t and that we’ll need to freeze the embryos. That’s as long as any even made it to blastocyst.  I wish it could happen on Saturday but I am trying to manage my own expectations.

Let’s see what tomorrow brings.

The clinic called today. Of the 14 eggs we managed to get 12 fertilised. Yay.

Some more will drop out at the 3 day stage and even more by the 5 day. Hopefully we get left with a few of decent quality.

Whilst I was under the impression already the embryos would be frozen – the clinic said it is normal for me to be monitored by the doctors over the next few days to check if that is the case. So I am also provisionally booked in for an embryo transfer on Saturday morning – just in case my hormone levels level out.

In the meantime I am taking Cabergoline to help alleviate the OHSS (which I think can be classed as mild), my folic acid and progesterone pessaries (twice a day).

I have informed the doctor so I am waiting for her to call me back so I can confirm to the clinic about whether I can go ahead with the embryo transfer to wait until the new year.

So here’s hoping a lot of the eggs survive and that they reach a high quality over the next few days!


Yesterday was I’m egg collections day.  It was what seemed an unnecessarily long day, but that’s by the by.

It was almost my first ever general anaesthetic. Wasn’t bad at all. When I came round all was ok. No pain, no nausea and I was wide awake, not drowsy at all. It was weird though, knowing that by that, hubby was already on his way to Harley Street with my eggs (not sure if I explained all that before….I’ll check previous posts and will update if not).

As much as he was really moany (and I mean REALLY moany) because he’s an impatient person who hates waiting (despite being late for everything). He had to wait at the clinic while the ICSI process happened (didn’t know that was the case nor do I really understand why). Anyway – it does mean I know that of my 40 odd follicles, we ended up with 14 eggs. Typically, my husband has no clue about any of this, so all he could say was there were 14.  I have no idea whether that means he delivered 14, or 14 survived the ICSI process and have started the fertilisation process.

I’ll await the call from the clinic today (hopefully).

What I can say though on a separate note – I am not feeling these special blood clot prevention sock things they are making me wear for 48 hours!! Sooooo want to take them off! And For some reason the doctor signed me off work until the 24th November……huh? There is no way I need 10 days off! Just the 1 would do!

This isn’t my scan from today…..but this is what you get when you google Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome. And this is basically what my scan looked like.

So, practically all of my 40 odd follicles have grown substantially and the doctor thinks the majority will have eggs.

I’ve been told to stop my Gonal-f injections immediately, but I need to continue with the Cetrotide ones until tomorrow. Then at 10.45pm tomorrow night, I have to inject Ovitrelle 250. This will mean I am ready to ovulate for surgery from about 8.30am Monday morning (34-36 hours after the injection). 

I’ve also been given tablets for the OHSS – one a day which I start tomorrow for 8 days (which I also had to pay ¬£45 for!!!!!!)

This all also means any embryos developed will have to be frozen. They cannot be transferred back in until everything has ‘calmed down’. So just when I was getting my head around it now happening…..I go back to having to wait! Sod’s law!

Symptom wise: I’ve started getting a few:

– Bloating and feeling full. With the number of follicles it’s no surprise, but I definitely feel bloated and full….and like I permanently need to pee.

– Leaking. The first time this happened, I thought I had practically wet myself. But it’s not. It’s practically water….no smell and no colour. Not often, but once in a while, especially if I have been sitting or lying down for a long time and I then stand up. I’ve resorted to using panty liners right now.

– Discomfort. Linked to the bloating I guess….and the pain is especially noticeable when I need to pee. 

– Emotions. We suffered a major tragedy/disaster in my town this week when a tram was derailed resulting in 7 people losing their lives. It happened practically at the end of my road. The last few days, as I’ve had to walk past the news crews and emergency services, I can feel myself welling up at the thought of those poor people. This isn’t normal for me…..or is it? I’m not entirely sure whether this is a hormone thing or not.

– Night sweats. The last few nights I have woken up in the middle of the night sweating from head to toe. This is definitely not my normal MO.

I have no idea whether these are normal reactions……..I hope they are!!

Roll on Monday to see how many eggs are actually collected!


I had my Day 10 scan today. 

The doctor asked me if I had felt much going on in there! Other than feeling a little bloated, I replied, not really.

She then started counting the follicles. There are now almost 20 on each ovary.  No wonder I feel bloated. Most of them growing to a good size. But I am sure as the week goes on, I’m going to feel more and more bloated.

I have a blood test on Thursday morning, the pre-op Friday morning followed by another scan.  It is at that scan the doctor will confirm when I need to take my shot of Ovitrelle.  Then Monday for the egg collection!

I hope I end up with a decent number of mature eggs that are of a high quality. I really want to maximise every opportunity to get a sticky bean. The control freak in me is screaming away…..I hate not being able to control any of this!!

On Friday I had my day 6 scan.  Apparently things are looking as they should. Yay.  There are 6 or 7 eggs growing on one ovary and 7 or 8 on the other.  I hope they all continue to develop to give us the best chance to create some decent embryos.

I was also told to start another injection today – which is now day 8. 


So now, every evening I am injecting 150 units of Gonal-f and 0.25 units of Cetrocide.  The Cetrocide uses a slightly bigger needle than the Gonal-f, so hurt a little bit this time.  I’m sure I’lol get us d to it. I am also taking my folic acid tablet at the same time.

Symptom wise, I can’t really be sure. My darling husband thought it would be a good idea to share his most recent cold with me….so this weekend I have been fighting that off. So I can’t be sure if any symptoms I’ve been experiencing have been from the medication or the cold!! Either way – luckily it’s been nothing major. 

My appointments for the egg collection have come in now as well. I have the pre-op on Friday 11th November and the egg collection will be on 14th November. My guess last week was right! I am now also then guessing that that will mean the embryos (if there are any successful) will be put back in the following Friday.

I am relieved that my body is responding as it is supposed to. Now I just need to get past the egg collection. I am absolutely petrified about going under general anaesthetic. I’ve never been into hospital before for any treatment that requires an anaesthetic – general or local. But this whole journey has been going into the unknown, so here’s to one more new experience!

I’m back at the hospital for another scan on Tuesday. Fingers crossed all is ok.

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The plan had initially been, start the IVF treatment around the 13th October. ¬†That was based on the last few months cycles – they had been, miraculously, between 4 and 5 weeks. ¬†In reality – 10th October was the 28 day date – when most ‘normal’ people would be due on. ¬†Working to plan this would mean we would go through the process and be taking a pregnancy test around mid November.

Needless to say, my body decided it didn’t want to co-operate. ¬†Last Wednesday I spoke with the clinic and they ordered all the medication for the process. ¬†They also confirmed that they would then consider inducing my period with medication if it didn’t arrive soon.

So Saturday, this lot was delivered.  I expected a lot, but it still seemed to be so much!

Then on Sunday, my period arrived without medication. ¬†Finally. ¬†I literally thought to myself ‘About bloody time!’. ¬†This meant that Monday I had my day 2 scan and told to start the course. ¬†The doctor confirmed the scan looked normal with my left ovary looking more poly-cystic than the right. ¬†As I walked home from the hospital – it all suddenly became very real. ¬†Its all very over whelming. ¬†Almost a panic.

That evening I started my injections of Gonal-f. 150 units every night. ¬†I’ve been told to do it at roughly that same time every day – so 7.30pm is my time. ¬†I take the injection and my folic acid tablets together. So far, I’ve not felt any different. ¬†No emotional roller-coaster (yet) and no bloating (yet). ¬†But I have felt incredibly thirsty the last few days and I can’t be sure if that is because of the medication or psychological. ¬†The clinic told me to ensure I drank lots because the body will need extra fluid to support the growth of multiple eggs – so knowing this, I don’t know if it is a real feeling or not. ¬†But either way, I am making sure I am drinking a lot more than normal to be sure.

On Friday I have my day 6 scan Рall to schedule with the one they gave me.  I should also be having a blood test the same day.  Looking through the schedule they gave me, I calculated that the eggs should be collected on 14th November.  I wonder whether that will all go to plan.

For the last 9 years, everything seems to have been plodding along at a slow slow pace that frustrated the hell out of me. ¬†Now I feel that I am in full on sprint mode and I am bricking it. ¬†I feel absolutely petrified all of sudden. ¬†Scared it will work, scared it won’t work. ¬†Just scared full stop. ¬†Deep breaths and take one day at a time. ¬†That’s all I can do now.