Test Passed!

  
So hubby went back to the hospital today and passed his breath test to show he’s not been smoking! Yay! So, as long as we don’t get a negative decision in the next week……it means we’re going on the waiting list. So that’s it. It’s the waiting game now.

The doctor also confirmed no more Clomid cycles for me either.  They said at the beginning that they would only let me go for 6 or so cycles, and it’s been that. 

So the next 6 months are going to be quiet. Life will carry on.  6 months takes us to October….when I will be turning 36. That is a scary prospect. 

I’ve also been contemplating more recently about what will happen if this fails as well.  

A friend of mine has just gone through her first round of IVF (which she had to pay for, for several reasons), but they didn’t even get enough eggs. Fallen at the fist hurdle. She will be going through round 2 to try again shortly.

Another friend has successfully had one child through IVF, and in the same clinic, but they have been trying for number 2. On the first attempt she sadly miscarried and on the second attempt, it as an ectopic pregnancy.  There are so many things that can go wrong. I’ve suddenly become petrified as opposed to hopeful. Is this normal I wonder?

I’m also feeling a bit guilty. Why am I going to all these lengths to have my own biological child when there are so many children in the care system that need a home now? Am I being selfish? Years ago when I started thinking about adoption, I was for it. I just want to be a mum. But as I get older….or further along this journey, I have started to become more curious to see what our genes together would look like. It has become more important than it was before.

Don’t get me wrong, if this fails, adoption will be the next step. But I am still hoping to have my own. Again, is this normal? Has anyone else struggled with similar thoughts??

A Risky Month

I realised I’ve not posted anything in 21 days! Oops.

But in reality, it is because absolutely nothing has happened.

The day my period started, I started to play the roulette game of calling the hospital to make an appointment for a scan. Ridiculous as it sounds, that is always the hardest thing of this process.  They never answer their b*****y phones! 

Eventually I got through 3 days later. Only to discover the doctor would be on annual leave…..and apparently there was no one available to cover. Great.

But…..I’d already started on the Clomid.  So, although it was a risk without being monitored….I though “Sod it”. This was my 6th cycle on Clomid and it was only the first month the saw me producing more than 1 egg. So I thought the risks were pretty low.  However, no appointment meant no prescription for the same injection I’ve had the last 2 months.  But I carried on with the last lot of my oestrogen and progesterone tablets from the same time as before.

It’s actually been quite nice to have a break from hospital appointments. Even though I’ve been at work most of the way through the Christmas break……having time off from there has been a different, but welcome break.

I may have mentioned before, but I have a follow up appointment on 15 Jan.  It is at this the doctor confirmed she will refer me for IVF if I haven’t fallen pregnant.  I know I’m not due on for another week, but I don’t feel anything different – so am not holding my breath that this month was a success.

The day after my appointment we fly off on holiday. I think we’ll need it as we prepare for the 4 month wait for IVF 😳.

I’m also starting to think about adoption and trying to prepare my mind for the fact I may never know what it feels like to be pregnant, not to feel that bubba growing inside me, not to feel this alien movement of my unborn child in my belly. I so need this holiday!

Lost count

This morning, my period arrived 😦

Tomorrow I start on the next round of Clomid. Again. And I realised I’ve lost count of how many months I’ve been on it. I’m not even sure I can describe how that feels right now. 

I have an appointment on 15 Jan for a follow up. The doc confirmed it is at that appointment she’ll refer me for IVF. Even she seems to have given up on this happening naturally.

Damn you fertility problems.

DIY

Friday I had my 10 day scan, after what is my fourth or fifth round of Clomid. How bad is that that I’ve lost count! 

Anyway, the scan confirmed I had a decent size egg on my left ovary. Go leftie!  As a result, I left with the instructions:

Start taking the oestrogen tablets immediately;

On Sunday, inject myself with Clomiphene; and

From Monday, start the progesterone tablets as well.

Today is Sunday. And I injected myself. I……injected MYself. Still soooooo stunned that I managed to do it with no issues, problems or traumas. I feel like that in itself is overcoming a milestone for me! I know there are millions of people out there who have to do it on any given day, but this was my first. I hope I don’t have to walk this journey for much longer that it becomes ‘normal’. Not because I mind doing it, more because it means constant failure.

I have now also got a follow up clinic appointment for 15 Jan next year. If no joy by then, that’s when they will refer us onto the IVF waiting list.  Apparently that is a 4 month wait as well. I so hope it doesn’t come to that.

Ramping up efforts

Today was a day 10 scan on my third cycle of Clomid.

The doctor confirmed that my blood test last month also showed low progesterone levels, so that’s both cycles showing the same trend.

So, instead of coming home with a lollipop for good behaviour….I came home with a different type of goody bag (& more expensive!)

  
My first thoughts when I got home…..”s**t just got real!

So today’s scan showed 2 dc net sized follicles, one on each ovary. 1 measured around 13 and the other around 12……is that millimetres??? Not a clue, but those were the figures she quoted at me!

Tomorrow I start taking oestrogen tablets – the Climaval 2mg. One, three times a day.

On Monday I have to have another scan (what a pleasant birthday present for me!). If the follicles have grown more, then I’ll then have the Ovitrelle 250mg injection.

I don’t know when I will then start taking the Cyclogest. I’ll find out more on Monday!!

I’m scared to read the leaflets that come with all these as the side effects normally sound so scary! But…….I’m going in!

Round Three

  
Yep….round 3 of Clomid has started because yesterday Aunt Flo decided to pay me a visit 😦

The last 2 weeks have been the most stressful of my life with various things happening including my uncle passing away 😦 RIP Uncle Stan x I hope the stress doesn’t affect my chances….right about now, I feel I need this.  Please god let it work.

That being said, the family stress has resulted in a lot of conversations between me and my husband and what we want from the future. It was nice to refresh my mind with the fact we both really do want this and it hasn’t just become ‘routine’. My husband is quite a closed person and doesn’t tend to show much emotion, so it was a nice change, even under the circumstances.

I try to tell myself, it’s for the best it didn’t happen this month. You have your birthday party next week….at least this means you can drink! But who am I kidding!? I’m gutted as hell and would much rather have to turn down a drink. 

I must get a grip. Wallowing in self pity won’t make a baby. I’m alive and have a loving family. I could be in a much worse position in life.

Bring it on!

Another scan, another blood test

Today I was scanned…..being a week after ovulation.

It confirmed that this month I released one egg. Yay! But……why do I feel disappointed? Merely because last month there was 2! More than one egg to me spells more than one chance of falling pregnant….silly I know.  A weird way to look at it. Maybe that’s just me.

However, the doctor said again that my lining was thinner than she would like and the blood test I had last month showed my progesterone levels to be low.  So, off I was sent to have another blood test (and this one hurt!)

The plan now, is, if I don’t fall pregnant with this cycle….and I’ll know by this time next week!……I will likely get given oestrogen. She mentioned tablets….but also said I might have to have an injection. *sad face*

I learnt from my lesson before though, so I booked the scan appointment for next month just in case.  If I need to cancel it, then happy days, but at least I won’t have the trauma of no-one answering the phone for days on end!

The wait is now on for next week. Will Mother Nature visit?

Syncing Schedules

  
So round 2 of Clomid is done.  I should have re-read my previous posts, because I’d forgotten about the trouble sleeping….but as last time, as soon as I finished the tablets, my sleeping went back to normal.

Because I had already had 1 ‘successful’ round of Clomid, the doctor told me to wait until day 10 for my next scan. However, it would help if the hospital answered the telephone to book an appointment. I rang and rang and rang.  I was letting the phone ring out until it cut off – giving up before I did!  

So on day 10, I was working close to the hospital, so went in on my lunch break.  All they could tell me was they were short staffed! Anyway, they couldn’t fit in a quick scan, so I just booked one for a week after ovulation. That was what I had been told to do last month. 

The medication does seem to be keeping me on the right path time wise.  My period arrived exactly 28 days after the start of my first one. And yesterday, I tested positive with the ovulation test – bang on 14 days.  I could get used to this knowing when things happen malarkey!  So I seem to be following the same trend as last month, although I don’t know exactly how many eggs have matured to be released. 

I’ve been paying particular attention the last few days as well, to any twinges I’ve felt. It appears the pain I felt last month was either a one off or something unrelated as this time round, bar a few pangs, have experienced no pain through ovulation.

But knowing dates mean you know when you need to get jiggy with it.  Many of you will know this if you’ve tried to get pregnant….but you say bye bye to being spontaneous and where sex is fun, to it being a chore and having to ‘negotiate’ schedules. I chuckled to myself last night as my husband and I were discussing it yesterday….’not tonight, but I can squeeze you in here….’

So here we go again….lets see if we get lucky this month!

Mother Nature

On Monday I had another scan.  This was 13 days after my positive ovulation test.

It confirmed that I released 2 eggs.  And that although my lining with thicker than it was without the medication….it could still be thicker.  The doctor said that if I wasn’t pregnant this time round, she would likely give me medication to improve that as well.

What confused me, was that she wasn’t able to tell, either way, from the scan whether I was pregnant or not.  Is that normal? She seemed to think so!

On Wednesday though, Mother Nature paid me a visit. So that’s a big, resounding, YOU ARE NOT pregnant. 

I know I should be patient because this was the first month with a real chance at falling….but that does stop the stab of disappointment. And when I say stab…I mean right through the friggin heart…where the knife has stuck and twisted.  Ok….I’m being melodramatic. But it’s frustrating….to take so long to get this far….which I realise just means I’ve finally got a chance to step onto the playing field. Never mind scoring a goal……since when did I start using sport analogies?!

Anyway. I am now on the next round of Clomid.  So fingers crossed again.

I’ve also taken the opportunity to look back and re-evaluate whether I feel I’ve had any side effects.  I didn’t think I had…when I was taking the tablets. I am taking them at night as I planned because it seemed to work for me last time.

2 aspects I am going to keep an eye on this time round is ovulation and my overall mood.  The day of my positive test and the next I did feel quite a bit of discomfort with frequent sharp stabbing pains.  In all honesty I thought it was just wind….but it may well have been the ovulating that caused the pain. I’ll see if it happens again.

My overall mood will be more difficult, but looking back I have struggled more this month and had a lot more ‘woe is me’ moments.  I always try to be a positive person, but there were some really low points this month.  Again…not sure if that was just me….or if the medication played a hand in that. This month I’ll hopefully know more!

So….here we go again. If we don’t succeed this month, I’m going to make sure the doctor refers me for IVF. She mentioned it at my appointment and confirmed there is a 4 month waiting list. I’d rather be on that and cancel, then not and add in more waiting time into this very protracted process!

Ovulation!

On Friday, I went for another scan.  An interesting point for anyone going to have a scan…..they always say have an empty bladder.  Well mine was when I got there….but I ended up waiting a loooong time! Although I didn’t feel a desperate need, apparently my bladder was full.  This meant it really got in the way….making it look like an eclipse of my womb! So if you are going to have a scan…..do nip to the loo beforehand if you have any doubt!!

So the scan showed at least 2 or 3 eggs were growing! Yay!

I was told to start testing for ovulation from Sunday and take it from there.  I was worried, because I have done so many of those tests, but they have NEVER shown a positive for me.  But despite my concern, off I went to the chemist for the tests!

Every morning I started peeing on those sticks. And then on Tuesday morning…..I got a positive! Pure elation….you would have thought it was an actual pregnancy test!!! 

Work for us both meant that baby dancing didn’t happen as much as I would have liked….but I guess we now just have to see.  I am booked in for another scan in another 10 days.  I’m being realistic and am not going to expect this miracle to happen in month one….but the fact the medication is working means I feel like the playing field has been evened out……I now have the same odds as any normal, fertile woman!  How good does that feel?!

It’s nice to finally have a small positive thing to cling to.