Archives for the month of: November, 2015

  
I have to admit this last month I’ve been struggling. I’ve been feeling really down and wallowing in self pity. I hate being like that and keep telling myself to snap out of it. All my problems are totally first world problems that are trivial. But not being able to snap out of it, just makes me more down as I start thinking like someone I don’t want to be.

I don’t know whether it’s all the medication or the stress of how long it is all taking or something else, but I’m pissing myself off!

It’s also made me self analyse.  I notice that when I’m really busy, my mind doesn’t have time to think negatively and the longer I am busy, the more positive I become.

I remember back when I was planning our wedding. It was nearly 2 years of planning. Practically every night having to look up or investigate something. Then the day was over. Now what? I totally get why people have babies straight after the wedding. It gives you something to do. It’s what we tried to do. So ‘in the meantime’ I’ve had other ‘projects’. Maybe decorating, or catching up on certain tv programmes (I’ve just binge watched the entire 5 and a half seasons of The Walking Dead in 2 weeks!). Whatever it has been, I’ve always obsessed with it – using it to consume all and any spare time. But I’ve suddenly found myself in a lull. Not knowing what to do with myself every evening. 

I need a purpose. I feel like I’m just waiting around for life to start. And not being able to control the when is driving me insane. So…..I have established…..I am an obsessive control freak!

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Friday I had my 10 day scan, after what is my fourth or fifth round of Clomid. How bad is that that I’ve lost count! 

Anyway, the scan confirmed I had a decent size egg on my left ovary. Go leftie!  As a result, I left with the instructions:

Start taking the oestrogen tablets immediately;

On Sunday, inject myself with Clomiphene; and

From Monday, start the progesterone tablets as well.

Today is Sunday. And I injected myself. I……injected MYself. Still soooooo stunned that I managed to do it with no issues, problems or traumas. I feel like that in itself is overcoming a milestone for me! I know there are millions of people out there who have to do it on any given day, but this was my first. I hope I don’t have to walk this journey for much longer that it becomes ‘normal’. Not because I mind doing it, more because it means constant failure.

I have now also got a follow up clinic appointment for 15 Jan next year. If no joy by then, that’s when they will refer us onto the IVF waiting list.  Apparently that is a 4 month wait as well. I so hope it doesn’t come to that.

Friday I had my 10 day scan, after what is my fourth or fifth round of Clomid. How bad is that that I’ve lost count! 

Anyway, the scan confirmed I had a decent size egg on my left ovary. Go leftie!  As a result, I left with the instructions:

Start taking the oestrogen tablets immediately;

On Sunday, inject myself with Clomiphene; and

From Monday, start the progesterone tablets as well.

Today is Sunday. And I injected myself. I……injected MYself. Still soooooo stunned that I managed to do it with no issues, problems or traumas. I feel like that in itself is overcoming a milestone for me! I know there are millions of people out there who have to do it on any given day, but this was my first. I hope I don’t have to walk this journey for much longer that it becomes ‘normal’. Not because I mind doing it, more because it means constant failure.

I have now also got a follow up clinic appointment for 15 Jan next year. If no joy by then, that’s when they will refer us onto the IVF waiting list.  Apparently that is a 4 month wait as well. I so hope it doesn’t come to that.

  
Deep breath. I came on today. A day earlier than ‘expected’.

Just another month wasted. All those pills, all that turmoil for nothing. Just disappointment.

But listen to me….I’m not going to keep feeling sorry for myself. I am grateful for everything I actually have. And this weekend helped me do just that. 

My eldest nephew turned 21. Wow. I love being an aunt and am so proud of all of my and my husband’s nephews and niece. They all make me feel so proud.

So needless to say, I could not let his 21st birthday pass without marking it.  He wouldn’t let me have a party for him on his 18th….so this was revenge!!!

https://youtu.be/rPaWo7Z08Js
(I hope the link works!)

  
Today’s scan confirmed one egg was released and my lining is looking much thicker than it’s ever been.

I also had another blood test to see whether the progesterone tablets have been working.

Now we wait another week. 

I’m not holding my breath this will work…..but I hope it does….eventually. After celebrating my birthday last week…..I’m becoming more and more conscious of my age. I don’t want to be so old that I’m a really high risk.  I already fall into that category with my PCOS, I don’t want to add more complications than necessary. And I know I’ve got to take what I can get, but my wish list has more than one child on it. If we ever manage to conceive…..if it takes too long….I may not be able to have more than one.

Well let’s hope the ball starts rolling and number one can happen soon.