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I use the word dream alot.

I dream of being a mum, having a family etc etc.  But I don’t really mean dream, I mean that is my ambition….my goal…..my desire.

This morning however, I was freaked out about a dream I had last night.  I never remember my dreams, so the fact I remember even this small fraction of a dream spooked me.  And I didn’t dream of having a baby in my arms, or seeing a little child running around……but of getting a positive pregnancy test.

As dreams go, they are never completely normal, so I just remember seeing the cross appear on the test…..as well as another little window, but instead of saying pregnant, it said daughter.  Hubby was with me and there was a pure moment of disbelief and joy.

I wonder if that dream will ever come true (bar the sex of the baby window!).

 

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It’s been just over a week since I started injecting Suprecur. 50 units twice a day, 12 hours apart.

To sum up how its been so far…….Tired, thirsty and hungry.

Tired – I’m not sure if that was related to a particularly hectic week seeing me travelling a lot around the country for work.  But I have felt drained.  My sleep has also been a little disturbed waking up feeling particularly hot and thirsty.

Thirsty – not just in the middle of the night as I’ve just mentioned, but all the time!  I am a self confessed Coke addict (Coca Cola that is….!) but the fizz hasn’t been doing it for me and I’ve been wanting, needing and drinking more squash (as I hate drinking water on its own!).  I quickly notice if I don’t drink enough I start getting a headache – feeling dehydrated and the headache always disappears once I have had a drink.

Hungry – I’ve been wanting to eat more this last week.  Again I don’t know whether that is attributed to a busy week or the medication.  But I am getting paranoid about putting on too much weight.  I have also tried to to eat healthier – so I have been buying a lot more fruit and making myself fruit salads to nibble on (although I will admit some chocolate has snuck through the net!).

The odd injection (literally one or two) have also left me with a slight bruise.  Not sure what I did wrong there, but it does make my pin cushion belly look less appealing than normal!

For anyone else that is on this I will also add one more tip – avoid travel that leaves your timings tight!  It just causes unnecessary stress that you don’t need.  And I quickly discovered public toilets are disgusting.  On one day I was about 40 mins late with my injection because I just could not bring myself to inject myself in a dirty toilet.  Totally unsanitary.  Awful.  So this coming week I have tried to ensure my diary means I get home from work in plenty of time.

So, onwards for another week until my scan. I hope my body has reacted as it is supposed to!

 

Aunt Flo arrived this morning!  Only a few days beyond the 28 days.  That’s a shocker!

So, this means I will start Suprecur tonight.

Taking these injections every 12 hours will have its limitations.  I tend to be a homely person anyway, but the invites of going places seem to come along like buses.  I don’t get invited anywhere for ages and then suddenly they all come at once!  We were invited to go to Cornwall (a 5 hour drive from here in London) this weekend to see some friends, but I said that doing so would mean I would need to take enough injections with me – ‘just in  case’ I came on. And then we’d need to make sure we could get back to our friend’s house at appropriate times (call me weird but I don’t fancy injecting myself in a public toilet in a pub somewhere! – plus I need a sharps bin).  So, we declined.  I actually think hubby was a little relieved to not have to do so much travelling this weekend with a bad back!

Then this evening I was invited at the last minute to a friend’s house.  An impromptu get together – always the best kind.  But for my first injection – I didn’t really want to be round someone’s house in their bathroom hiding away.

Tomorrow I have to travel to Wales for a business meeting.  At least I know I can be in my own hotel room for the injections which will make it a bit easier.  Still not ideal but never mind!

Anyway – back to the topic at hand – I’ll start the injections tonight.  I’ve chosen to do them at 8 o’clock as that will work for me both in the morning and evening most days when I am at work as usual.  A fellow blogger also kindly advised me to keep hydrated and drink lots while taking these – and so I fully intend to follow that advice!

Suddenly we are another step closer to the FET!

 

Sadly, not as exciting as the title sounds! Not recreational drugs, but these bad boys ready for the start of my cycle.

The Suprecur, which is the Buserelin I will have to inject twice a day and then the estradiol valorate tablets. I already have plenty of progesterone pessaries, so I didn’t need any more of those.

I wonder whether next week will be the start…..time will tell.

After my appointment this morning, this is what the doctors have decided for me. Having my Frozen Embryo Transfer on a Hormone Replacement Therapy.

This means, day 1 of my cycle is when I start Buserelin injections. I have to inject myself twice a day, 12 hours apart.  2 weeks after that I’ll have a scan to confirm that I have ‘down regulated’ (basically my ovaries have shut down). As long as the medication has worked, then I will start taking Oestradiol Valorate (oral tablets) 3 times a day while still continuing with the injections.  2 weeks after that I will then be scanned again to check that my lining is at least 8mm thick. If all looks good, I stop the injections, continue the Oestradiol Valorate and start using the progesterone pessaries (those bad boys again! Ergh!).  At that point I’ll be booked in for the actual transfer within 3 to 7 days.

So all in all, that process will be 5 weeks at most. I am ‘due’ to start my cycle in 2 weeks. Whilst I doubt my body will work to time…..this means in 7 weeks time I could be having the transfer.  In 9 weeks then testing to see if it worked.  This makes it seem much more real now….I so hope this works, but am trying to be realistic that it might not.  We may not be lucky enough to have a sticky bean…..or problems could happen during the thaw out.

Because of my age, they have agreed to try transferring 2 embryos. If neither of these work, I’ll do future attempts one at a time I think. I only have 5, so I feel like I have to be tactical to maximise chances of a successful bubba.

In other news, I didn’t get the job I went for last week. But I got really positive feedback from the guy that interviewed me, so that has helped me boost my confidence to go for others when they arise. 

So it’s been a good week. Hopefully there will be more to come!

Oh the joys of treatment on the NHS. I am so paranoid about my age knowing the older you are the less chance there is of a successful pregnancy, so all of these (unnecessary) delays are raising my stress levels.

I went and had my scan. Everything is fine and looking normal. So let’s get you booked in for the Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). You need to have an appointment with the nurse to talk you through the process and sign consent forms.

Perfect….or so I thought. 1st of bloody March! Excuse my language. Yet more delays. Just for an ‘educational’ chat and sign papers! Why the hell didn’t they get me doing that whilst waiting for this cycle. Come on! No effective time management at all.

I think I must have one of those faces that shows what I’m thinking…..because I then suddenly got an earlier slot on 10 Feb.  But that will still be too late for this cycle. Aaaaaaaaarrrrggghhhhh.

And then, yesterday I see all over the news Beyoncé is pregnant with twins. How quickly did that make the green eyed monster awaken in me?! I hate that. I don’t want to be that person.

So roll on next Friday. I just want a chance!

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So after the whole feeling sorry for myself, I entered the new year feeling more positive and optimistic. I was also determined to try and take some control back of my life, and stop ‘waiting’ around for my life to change.

I worked through Christmas and New Year as I take the first few weeks of January off most years. The only exception this year was that we didn’t go on holiday, but I still had the time off work.  As much as I felt like I was hibernating, I now realise that it was a much needed break and was also quite productive.

The first day of my holidays, I made contact with the architect we previously met in Cyprus.  She is now investigating whether we can use the land we own to build our home on.  This is going to be a long, drawn out process, but at least I started the ball rolling!

I applied for a new job.  Somehow, I got through the sift and I have an interview next week.  Safe to say I am bricking it right now, but it has been a welcome distraction and given me something else to think about.  I am not holding my breath in actually getting the job, as it is promotion for me, but I am looking at even getting an interview as a step in the right direction and getting some practice in for future jobs!

I also had a mate who is a builder come in and quote for fitting a new bathroom.  It is all now bought and sitting in the garage.  Hopefully he will be coming to fit it all in the next week or so!  The bathroom is actually older than I am, so this is long overdue and I can’t wait to get under my new rain water shower head (I lead a sheltered life!!).

And lastly, I was due on on Tuesday last week.  For a change, this month, I was only a few days late and my period started yesterday.  Which means tomorrow I can phone the clinic and get the ball rolling again for my FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) this month.  I’ve been reading up on it, and I don’t know whether the doctor will want to work with my natural cycle or whether I will be given blocker medication to prevent me ovulating.  Either way, I’ve been trying to calculate when this might happen.  Maybe a few weeks. Which may work out perfectly as I have 2 more weeks annual leave booked for the last 2 weeks of February.

I feel like I am at a bus stop right now.  Nothing has come along for ages, and now they are all arriving at once.  I am feeling excited, overwhelmed and panicked all at the same time.  For all of the above!

Regardless, I am in a much better head space now and hope I can keep hold of my current Positive Mental Attitude.  It will help me deal with whatever comes my way – success or not.

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I allowed myself to wallow for a few days, but I pulled myself out of that funk pretty quickly.

I’m grateful for what I do have and have entered the new year with optimism and determination again.  Being a control freak, I have done this by focusing on things I do have control of, rather than those I can’t.

I’ll continue to do all I can towards a successful pregnancy, but alot of it is out of my hands.  However, my job, where I live and other projects are completely within my control and its time I started paying attention again.

I feel like I’ve been floating for a long time.  Waiting for life to start again with a pregnancy. Like I’ve stalled and need to jump start my engine.

Well here goes…..2017 is the time for me to get the jump leads out and get life started again……hopefully!

I hope you all had a safe and happy new year.

Lets jump on and enjoy the ride this year has to offer.

 


I woke up this morning full of hope. Optimistic, happy, ready.

One, make that two phone calls later, I felt like I dropped 100ft.

At the beginning of December, after my last ‘withdrawal’ period, I was told to wait for my next cycle. Great, that made me due on Christmas Eve. How’s my luck. Speaking to the nurse at the fertility clinic, she said not to worry. Bank holidays permitting, I should be able to get scanned in between.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day came and went with no sign of Aunt Flo. All working in my favour I thought.

Then last night my period arrived! Perfect! 3 working days ahead which means I’m sure to get a scan……here we go!

My hopes were dashed after calling the clinic to be told all the doctors are on annual leave and not back before 3 Jan. That puts me on day 8 (I think). Too late. I need to be scanned between days 2 and 5.

In a desperate attempt I then contacted the clinic in London where I will have the transfer. Can I get scanned there? I’ll pay? No.

So now I have to wait another month (if my cycle sticks to time) just because of frigging Christmas and New Year. I haven’t felt this deflated and bah humbugy in a long time. 

I hate feeling like this. I’ll pick my self up as the days go on, but for today, I’m so low.

Regardless, I hope all of you enjoyed your Christmas break and I wish you all a happy new year. I am hoping to enter the new year with a bit more optimism! 

Because it’s a busy time of year, I feel like this waiting game is a bit easier.  I am also glad that my body feels somewhat back to normal…..whatever that means.  No drugs, no bloatedness, just me.

My last period was apparently what they call a withdrawal period…..or something like that. My memory is a bit fuzzy. So that, alongside my slight OHSS means I’ve had to wait another cycle.  The period itself was normal. I think I mentioned I was expecting a heavy and unpleasant experience…..but that wasn’t the case. Phew!

I did the math….and if my cycle is 28 days…..I am due on on Christmas Eve. Come on! Seriously! So now, bizarrely, I am hoping I do have a longer cycle to get me out of the holiday season. If not…..I’ll then likely have to wait another month on top! It’s is going to be soooooooo annoying if I end up coming on on time this one and only month!

I am glad it is Christmas though. Keeping busy means it’s creeping round very quickly. 

I hope you all enjoy this festive season x