Detached, unfeeling, distant and a myriad of other descriptions. A few incidents have happened recently that make me wonder whether this is me!  After 9 years of trying, it might be that I am just emotionally exhausted.

As with many of us on this painful journey, I’ve researched. And researched and researched some more. Reading blogs I find is the most helpful as it is a true personal perspective. With this is mind, I like to think I’ve been travelling this road with my eyes wide open – prepared for the emotional as well as physical pitfalls that WILL happen along the way.

I think I’ve said it before in previous posts, I also don’t want to lose ‘me’. I had a friend who taught me that lesson. She went through the start of fertility treatment but managed to fall pregnant naturally in the end. However, before she did that, the treatment and investigation were all she talked about when we were together. If we wasn’t talking about hers, she’d push about mine. And if not that, she would moan constantly about how all her friends who now had kids excluded her and didn’t invite her to things where the kids were involved. Then after falling pregnant she did exactly the same thing. I wasn’t even invited to her baby shower! Her son is now 3 (ish) and we found out via Facebook that it was his Baptism. I will NOT become THAT person.

Sorry…..I digress.

So, on Friday, I had a scan. I’ve already mentioned that. At the hospital, they have the main room with all the machinery with 2 adjoining rooms either side. So while one person is in there, the next person is getting ready.  It’s an efficient process.  It also means there is a just one door in between us – so you can hear the conversation held. The woman in front of me was obviously a week behind me in the process (she probably had her eggs collected today). The doctor said…..there are about 7 follicles that look good…a few more might develop before Monday ( I have to admit then, that with all this being a numbers game, I felt a little better about my 40ish follicles!). Anyway, this girl immediately burst into tears complaining that 7 was shit (possibly a downside to too much research?!). She later apolgised for crying and said she was crying at anything with all these hormones and medication.  I’ve not been like that….most of the time I’ve just got on with it like its a day in the office…… that normal?  I’ve braced myself (from my research) to basically ‘fail’ at every step of the process because so much can go wrong at any one time. This means It has lessened the blow at disappointing moments and almost left me elated over minor victories!

And then there is the way I’ve approached all this within my relationship with my husband. It’s been a long time since I’ve done the tears and tantrums….told him to leave and find someone who can give him a family etc. Yes, at one point I did give him a get out of jail free card! But when he stuck around, I vowed I would minimise the impact of all this as much as possible.  I tell him everything he needs to know, but that’s it. It is rarely a topic of general conversation between us. He never saw me inject myself and I’ve never had him come for a scan. I don’t see the point. He’s not one of those emotional people anyway that wants to get involved in that respect and I don’t see the need to make him change. I guess it’s the realisation that regardless of the success, baby or not, my marriage will still be there and I want it to remain happy, about us and not about this process. 

Oh to have been in the position where a pregnancy was the result of a drunken night, unplanned and not thought about!