When I first started writing this blog, I thought I’d be writing frequently to explain how I feel the whole time. A bit of therapy for me as we’ll as sharing for others who are going through something similar, or to educate those that haven’t.

I’ve not been blogging as frequently as I thought, frankly because I’m bored of moaning all the time! Well that’s what it feels like anyway. I’m just grateful for the fact you guys have a choice. If I waffle on you can just ignore it!

I hate the person this ‘want’ is making me become. I’m scared of losing myself. I feel like I’ve become consumed by this desire to have a child.

I have a group of friends. Most of whom have had kids or are pregnant now. Some fell pregnant easily and others tried for years (like me). I notice the difference. Those who fell pregnant easily are still them, but with a kid. Those who didn’t have lost themselves and they are just their child’s mum. For example: my friend Kate has a daughter. She fell pregnant within 3 months of coming off the pill. When you first meet her, you can have a normal conversation and you would only know she has a child if you asked her. Another friend Lindsay tried for years. When you first meet her, you will know within minutes she has a son and will know everything about him. The conversation will constantly be steered back to him or motherhood. They are both devoted to their kids, don’t get me wrong, but I feel like Lindsay has lost her own personality along the way.

This is what scares me. I am me, and that’s who I want to be! And that’s who I want to stay! I want to be the best mum I can be, but I don’t want to lose who I am.

I want to be able to enjoy myself again. I find that every happy situation I find myself in in life is tainted by feeling that something is missing. Will that ever end? Will it only end once we have successfully conceived? What if that never happens?

I have my moments. Some days when I’m thinking straight, I know there are many many others in a similar situation. I’m not the first and definitely not the last to feel like this. Then I have the bad days; I’m thinking emotionally rather than straight. Those days mean I’m the only one in the world that feels like this, it’s all so unfair and woe is me. Sadly, having PCOS means I have a few more hormonal days than most making bad days more frequent.

For now, I am still fighting for me. I refuse to talk about it incessantly (which sadly means I’ve had to actively avoid 1 particular friend who has already lost herself), refuse to take pregnancy tests every month ‘just in case’ or take my temperature every day to see if I’m ovulating! I’m obsessing but forcing myself not to at the same time.

I hope I don’t lose me.